Untitled

Everybody acts like leaving here
is such a huge decision
Don't you make an equally large
decision everyday you wake up
to your same-old life and 
decide to stay?
Its funny how stagnant is the
"right" way to be
how testing the waters of life
is taboo--unless its a "normal" 
change, of course;
marriage, new job, promotion, new house,
those are okay.
The others may require risk
Maybe something negative will happen
The act isn't well received 
when your car is headed towards a person
and not a corporation.
Why?
What stability does your career promise?
What fulfillment?
Does it give you love in return
for all the time you give it?
All the life you sacrifice in its honor?
Today, I've spent my time alone.
Doing things I could do anywhere.
I have friends that know how to be friends from far and near.
I just may experience new, different life-
watch out,
I just may fail-- 
or succeed.
I may change
I may hurt.

I'm ignoring your normal. 

written August 2011

Morning Showers

Quick efficiency leave me in the morning
And today I keep thinking you, you, you,
as that weight in my chest waxes and wanes...
I wish there was a tide right here and now
so it would sweep me away-
and I would be powerless.
turning and swirling, over and under,
flailing or floating
no right or wrong
until I landed on some solid place
and that is where i would stay-
at least I'd know it was meant to be.
Then, I think, my masochistic heart would stop trying to confuse my healthy head.

written 3/17/2011

Question

Some nights
I am sick with the
memories of all the
hurt and loss,
All the patterns of lies and
cheating
The broken promises
and the betrayals

They sit in my stomach like
sharp bile and they flood
into my heart, rising,
Until they choke me up
and stall my brain
on one question repeating--
"How many more before its more than I can take?"

written 2-24-2011

Writing Fairy Tales

The base of my chin is raw from your stubble,
and my mind is torn from the night.
If anybody asks what I did,
I'll say, "I was writing fairytales."
I just won't say its my own.
Or that I don't know about
"Happily Every After" yet.

written 12/4/10

More Old LovePoem Stuff

When you wake up in the morning
will you smile
just to see my eyes opening next to yours
Will you walk me to the beach
and hold my hand
stopping to kiss my forehead
Will I come home and find dinner being cooked
and a handsome man at the stove
If I cry
will you comfort me until I laugh again
Would you take time to hear my fears and admit your own
When you see me naked
will you appreciate the curves of my body
even though I'm not model-thin
Will we be happy and free
Can we adventure always
Can life be about being happy 
instead of productive
Will you hold me until the
arms that wrap around me are as
familiar as my own
Are you all these things
Because I'm just indulging daydreams

written 12/3/10

December

We sat
and when you grabbed my hand
I flinched

not away from you
but towards a recent past
more faded than is necessary
or expected

And with a nail across a wrist
I knew something was being said
but I can't interpret the language, yet

Your touch is comfort
and heart-racing aphrodisiac
with hints of familiarity
so wrapped up in differences
I can't tell what is new or old

Is this what I'm supposed to understand?

Don't let go of my hands, or lips
if you prefer
because I'm just baby-stepping
towards a realization
and if you stay still it helps

Why now?
I will turn over what I'm meant to
eventually
but will it be what I'm
backwards
hoping for?

63rd Birthday

Dirt on my hands
caked on
from when I spilled the milk glass vase's
water all over your footstone
and wiped the dirt and grass out
of the engraved letters and dates


The eternity vase broke today
popped right out of its hole in the ground
I thought it was ironic
but I couldn't decide if it was hopeful,
or kind of sad.


Nothing lasts forever I guess
even if we name it like it does


I wish I could show more affection
than cleaning off your footstone
and jumping on the ground where your
belly should be
and propping flowers up in a no-longer-eternal
eternity vase


But I think you know that
and I think you appreciate the gestures


I still love you.
Always.
I guess I found the one thing that truly is forever.